Fic: All In, Draco/Harry, PG-13
Jun. 11th, 2015 03:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snowgallFigured I might as well post this link to my LJ for posterity. My first (and most likely last!) fic :)
Title:
All In (or on LJ)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
snowgall
Pairing: Draco/Harry
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 427
Summary: Draco introduces Harry to strip poker
Warnings: Unbetaed*; misuse of British-isms by an American; scanty knowledge of poker
Notes: Written for Draco's Kinks and Tropes Party July 10, 2015 for the prompt "Draco introduces Harry to strip poker" byindyonblue
Title:
Author:
snowgallPairing: Draco/Harry
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 427
Summary: Draco introduces Harry to strip poker
Warnings: Unbetaed*; misuse of British-isms by an American; scanty knowledge of poker
Notes: Written for Draco's Kinks and Tropes Party July 10, 2015 for the prompt "Draco introduces Harry to strip poker" by
indyonblue| *Concrit is welcome for this. Seriously, this is a first fic and I have no delusions that it is a masterpiece or anything. I would really love to know how to get the dialogue to flow better (the way Draco talks about betting their clothes still doesn't really work for me, honestly), how to make the setting more clear, how to get their thoughts across non-clumsily, all of it, basically. You can send me a PM if you like, or comment below, and my feelings won't be hurt at all. I've already gotten more nice and sweet comments on this than I expected, so I don't need to be coddled. Oh, and if I got any British-isms wrong I definitely want to know! Like, does it make sense for Draco to say "What I am interested in, is seeing what Harry Potter looks like under his kit" ? Is that the right way to use "kit" or did I flub it? Using language right is really important to me, so please do tell me if something is off. |
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 07:54 pm (UTC)Good point about whether Harry would be able to see Draco adjusting his trousers under the table. I actually did wonder about this myself, but when I tried having Draco do anything else suggestive (run his hands down his torso? Lick his lips? It just seemed campy and I couldn't make it work. So I did the trouser thing because I didn't know what else to do, and I thought Draco needed to do something to entice Harry. But it bothers me too! Maybe it's a glass table? What else could I have Draco do?
And the last line was SO DIFFICULT to figure out. I had so many stupid endings I rejected before settling on this one. (Like Harry saying "Join Me?" or something equally clumsy). So I see what you mean about using "laughs" as a speech tag. For me, it felt like I needed to break the line with some sort of tag (I can't explain why I felt this way, I just do. I've never studied creative writing, so I don't know why or whether some things work and other things don't.) So the line felt like it needed a tag, and that's just the one that came to mind. But I'll think about your suggestions and see if maybe they might work better.
It's so weird that I wrote it in present tense, because that wasn't a conscious decision at all! And indeed, I sometimes find present tense to be jarring in a fic, so I am really surprised that it came out this way. I wish I had been more thoughtful about it, but what I was really stressing over was the dialogue, not the tense :)
Thank you so much for this!
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 08:02 pm (UTC)But I was wondering: Does Harry need to sit opposite of Draco? Couldn't Draco sit to his right, so that, at a small poker table, he could actually see the movement?
As for the last line. Yes, you totally need a speech tag, the way it's written now. What do think about doing it like this:
"Potter." He laughs. "I'm all in."
Is the punctuation with full stops too sharp? Not enought flow?
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 08:13 pm (UTC)I think I'll make that change :)
As for Draco sitting next to him, I'm torn. Because you're totally right about the trouser thing, but for some reason I liked him sitting across from Harry because it would be easier for Harry to stare at him that way, without necessarily being obvious about it. This is something I'm going to have to think about.
(As an aside: It's really rather fascinating how every little decision you make in a fic has all these consequences! I'm really enjoying getting this feedback from you and getting to think critically about writing)
Maybe other people will chime in and let me know if the trouser thing is enough of an issue that I should just move Draco one seat over! I am definitely willing to bow to the masses on this one.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 09:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 10:02 pm (UTC)I'm so grateful for the feedback though, and it is so interesting that there isn't just one 'right' way to write it. If only it were that easy!
And it's also becoming funny to me that we have already written more words discussing this fic than are even *in* the fic. But I like to think that picking apart a shorter piece makes discussing the craft of writing easier. Maybe because you can be more focused and not have to worry about a sweeping complex plot or anything.
Really there's so much that I don't know about how to do this, so keeping it focused on a short piece is probably the most helpful to me. Vaysh was being highly optimistic when she said, "Your true test, of course, will be a longer story with more moving of characters around a scene, with more complicated motivations and a full suspense plot (with sex scene). :) " ! This was hard and stressful enough for now :) Any more complexity and I would give in ♥
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 10:11 pm (UTC)I've almost given up on trying to get all that right! Sometimes I think, if we really sat down and thought about what we were trying to achieve, we would never write at all. Remember this is meant to be a fun hobby, first and foremost. And I think someone's excitement and sense of fun/ urgency to tell the story when they are writing is often the most wonderful part, and outweighs stylistic elements in making a fic a gripping and memorable read.