This is beta - there is one "to" to many in this sentence: "I'm going to back to my room to strip off."
Concrit: I find this is really well-written. You quickly and forcefully set the scene, introduce the characters and the main "plot". You are not afraid of effective repetition. Your words and sentences flow and end on the right beat, rhythmically. All good stuff. Your true test, of course, will be a longer story with more moving of characters around a scene, with more complicated motivations and a full suspense plot (with sex scene). :)
To me, not a native speaker of English, the dialogue flows wonderfully. Especially the line when Draco offers to bet taking off their clothes. I love how dialogue and prose flow into each other. I was wondering, though, while reading how Harry can see Draco adjusting his trousers when they are, presumably, all sitting around a table. You never describe the location at all, and it's rather awesome how well that works. But perhaps here is a good place for a concise visual of the setting.
There a few lines where I would use punctation differently. Here, for example: "I'm not interested in birds, Blaise, " Draco is grinning now,[.] "What I am interest...
And - totally minor and subjective quibble - I am not fond of using "he laughs" as a speech tag. Draco cannot laugh "Potter", he can only say "Potter" in a laughing voice, or say it and then laugh, something like that.
Just curious: Why did you decide to write the ficlet in the present tense?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 07:42 pm (UTC)Concrit: I find this is really well-written. You quickly and forcefully set the scene, introduce the characters and the main "plot". You are not afraid of effective repetition. Your words and sentences flow and end on the right beat, rhythmically. All good stuff. Your true test, of course, will be a longer story with more moving of characters around a scene, with more complicated motivations and a full suspense plot (with sex scene). :)
To me, not a native speaker of English, the dialogue flows wonderfully. Especially the line when Draco offers to bet taking off their clothes. I love how dialogue and prose flow into each other. I was wondering, though, while reading how Harry can see Draco adjusting his trousers when they are, presumably, all sitting around a table. You never describe the location at all, and it's rather awesome how well that works. But perhaps here is a good place for a concise visual of the setting.
There a few lines where I would use punctation differently. Here, for example:
"I'm not interested in birds, Blaise, " Draco is grinning now,[.] "What I am interest...
And - totally minor and subjective quibble - I am not fond of using "he laughs" as a speech tag. Draco cannot laugh "Potter", he can only say "Potter" in a laughing voice, or say it and then laugh, something like that.
Just curious: Why did you decide to write the ficlet in the present tense?