Thank you so much! This is all very awesome feedback! I am going to go fix those typos right away.
Good point about whether Harry would be able to see Draco adjusting his trousers under the table. I actually did wonder about this myself, but when I tried having Draco do anything else suggestive (run his hands down his torso? Lick his lips? It just seemed campy and I couldn't make it work. So I did the trouser thing because I didn't know what else to do, and I thought Draco needed to do something to entice Harry. But it bothers me too! Maybe it's a glass table? What else could I have Draco do?
And the last line was SO DIFFICULT to figure out. I had so many stupid endings I rejected before settling on this one. (Like Harry saying "Join Me?" or something equally clumsy). So I see what you mean about using "laughs" as a speech tag. For me, it felt like I needed to break the line with some sort of tag (I can't explain why I felt this way, I just do. I've never studied creative writing, so I don't know why or whether some things work and other things don't.) So the line felt like it needed a tag, and that's just the one that came to mind. But I'll think about your suggestions and see if maybe they might work better.
It's so weird that I wrote it in present tense, because that wasn't a conscious decision at all! And indeed, I sometimes find present tense to be jarring in a fic, so I am really surprised that it came out this way. I wish I had been more thoughtful about it, but what I was really stressing over was the dialogue, not the tense :)
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Good point about whether Harry would be able to see Draco adjusting his trousers under the table. I actually did wonder about this myself, but when I tried having Draco do anything else suggestive (run his hands down his torso? Lick his lips? It just seemed campy and I couldn't make it work. So I did the trouser thing because I didn't know what else to do, and I thought Draco needed to do something to entice Harry. But it bothers me too! Maybe it's a glass table? What else could I have Draco do?
And the last line was SO DIFFICULT to figure out. I had so many stupid endings I rejected before settling on this one. (Like Harry saying "Join Me?" or something equally clumsy). So I see what you mean about using "laughs" as a speech tag. For me, it felt like I needed to break the line with some sort of tag (I can't explain why I felt this way, I just do. I've never studied creative writing, so I don't know why or whether some things work and other things don't.) So the line felt like it needed a tag, and that's just the one that came to mind. But I'll think about your suggestions and see if maybe they might work better.
It's so weird that I wrote it in present tense, because that wasn't a conscious decision at all! And indeed, I sometimes find present tense to be jarring in a fic, so I am really surprised that it came out this way. I wish I had been more thoughtful about it, but what I was really stressing over was the dialogue, not the tense :)
Thank you so much for this!